I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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