Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
