you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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