she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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