nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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