Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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