I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize