It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
