Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
