You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
