I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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