shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
