If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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