I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
