she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
