he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
