Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
