remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
