I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
