I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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