I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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