I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
