I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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