I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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