on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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