tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
