I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
