so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
