i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
