First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
