i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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