A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
