good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
