As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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