Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
