You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
