Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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