something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it penis luge time yet?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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