In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
