Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize