I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
be right there i have to get my cape
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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