You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
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