What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize