hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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