Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
