How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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