I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
