be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
