Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
