we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
