So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
