He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
