I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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