I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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