possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize