After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
